


Lost (Control) Again

by Leonawriter



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Genesis does nothing in a healthy way least of which emotions, Grief/Mourning, referenced canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 09:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16261442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leonawriter/pseuds/Leonawriter
Summary: There is no part of this in which Genesis is able to separate his sadness from his anger.





	Lost (Control) Again

Hot tears fell onto his knees, mostly hidden by long red hair that his mother said was getting too long.

There was something he was missing, and he couldn't understand what it was, only that whenever he tried to get either one of his parents to accept his achievements, it was a rare blue moon when they  _would._

Oh, they  _said_ that they already did, they  _said_ that they would support him no matter what. But the words fell flat, just the same as when he watched them talk about the orchards and land disputes and trading rights, and they were  _polite_ , they were  _charming_ , but that didn't mean they  _cared_.

It hurt like a punch to his gut, taking all of the air out of him each time, when he thought of it like that. Because he was ten years old, and ten was plenty old enough.

And yet at the same time as it hurt, even though he cared for her (though if he'd learned all of his  _caring_ from his own parents, then how much of that was real anyway?), he couldn't help but feel jealous of Angeal for having a mother that clearly paid attention to him.

His fists clenched, and his eyes stung, and he felt like running away and  _never coming back_ , but he knew couldn't, not  _yet_ at least.

The worst thing was that he didn't think any of them even knew that he knew.

...

It's easy to give in to the anger when Angeal finally turns on him, because what's the point in anything else, by now? 

He says that the fight with Zack is because Sephiroth wasn't there, because the sparring partner didn't matter so much as the need to sharpen himself against someone, anyone, even someone as insignificant as one who wasn't even a First-

-which was a lie, of course, because he looks at Zack and he sees Angeal laughing over some new story about how the  _puppy_ had done today, the pride in his voice, the way Angeal had  _sided with this boy over him,_ and he can't stand it, can't stand it at all, because  _how dare he_ , what was so much better about this boy from nowhere than  _him_ , the one Angeal had  _grown up with?_

Perhaps it's petty, but petty is all that he has left.

...

He loses Angeal, and he only realises some time after the fact, because he hadn't been there.

Angeal had died, and he  _hadn't been there._

For the first time in his life, Genesis is alone, and although the world is waiting for him to make one step wrong, he didn't end up as one of the keenest minds of the Wutai War for nothing.

But for now, he's just a dying man, hardly even a SOLDIER because what is SOLDIER other than a pack of Shinra-bred monsters that they can control, and not even remembered as a hero, because all of everything that he had done that was worthy of being remembered had gone to  _Sephiroth._

_You can have it_ , he remembered his old friend saying back in the makeshift lab in the Reactor. 

He'd understood even back then that not all of the fame and claims of his heroism in the world would give him what he wanted - would give him his  _life back_ \- but now... 

_Damn you, Shinra._

It was so, so much harder to cover the grief with the anger that came so easily, when he had so much time and so little energy that the anger would eventually melt away, the fire of it causing his eyes to burn.

_Damn you,_ he cursed, wishing every ill he could think of on the company that had essentially  _made him_ , that had  _created_ both he and Angeal.  _You took my brother from me._

Eventually, he would realise that he still needed Hollander, and it would take him days to recover from the destruction he caused to the the place he'd been hiding in.

...

He loses Sephiroth, and he thinks that perhaps he had actually lost Sephiroth a long time ago, and this is actually the first moment that he had truly realised that there was no longer any possible future where they could remain on the same paths and return to the friendship they'd once had.

He runs, and he seethes, and part of him feels as though perhaps this was not merely disappointing but  _inevitable_ , because Sephiroth had always been above them, had always felt himself  _better._

It's easy to find a place to hide and to lash out at something that won't hurt nearly as much as his heart, because no matter how much he tries to tell himself it doesn't matter, it  _does._

It does.

And then-

Then, he loses Sephiroth again.

Loses him like Angeal, this time, and to Zack,  _again._

But he can't even place the blame for the death on Zack, because Zack is gone, and everything is telling him that suffering under Hojo far more than Genesis could make him suffer, and-

It occurs to him that he  _could_ use the opportunity to learn the schedules, to break in, to unleash what would probably be an enraged Zack Fair on the rebuilt Nibelheim.

He doesn't.

Perhaps it's petty of him. Perhaps it is unreasonable, and cruel.

But  _you took my brother and my friend from me_ wars with  _they were already gone, had already turned from you_ and neither side wins, creating a months-long, turning into a years-long, stalemate.

In the end, he doesn't do anything, and they get out regardless.

...

It takes some time for the details of the world he had woken up into, to settle in.

Sometimes he would still expect to be able to refer to a certain person, or a shop on a certain street, only to find that it was no longer there. Shinra was no loss to him, but the city- but  _Midgar_ -

Midgar, in many ways, he had loved.

The sword, a memorial for two people - one of whom wasn't even  _remembered_ \- among the flowers in the church hit him every time he came through, seeking the peace and quiet for a time away from the people who seemed to always  _want_ something of him, even if they didn't realise  _what_... it tugged at him, demanded things of him, and he wasn't sure if it was easier or harder to deal with than the living, breathing souls he had left behind.

He's on his way back from the church, walking through ruins and rubble, the very sight reminding him of  _Banora_ , of the way the bombed town hadn't even been given the respect of being rebuilt the way that Nibelheim had been, when he sees Cloud heading toward him.

Perhaps on any other day, it would be good to talk, but today Genesis is full of feelings that he can't name, that he pushes down and away and Cloud is  _there._

So today he sees Cloud's shocked face as he blocks Genesis' Rapier with his own sword, blue eyes widening in confusion. But despite being forced to break away, he doesn't let that be it, doesn't let up-

And perhaps it's because from what he's heard he has begun to understand that Cloud isn't the one at fault any more than Zack was, but Cloud is there, and Cloud is strong, strong enough not to be beaten down or to give up, and maybe he can  _trust_ Cloud with just a little of this, just enough. With the way that this hurt makes him feel, the way that it makes him want other people to feel.

His attacks are sloppy, his footwork is bad, and his reach goes too far. For someone who he's told has defeated Sephiroth, a feat he could never accomplish in all his time with the man while he was still  _alive_ , Cloud could so easily have knocked him on his back several times over.

Instead, Genesis is allowed to wear himself out, although his stopping point finds him tossing a fireball to one side, to compliment the rest of the wanton destruction that they - he - had caused. 

The sound he makes probably isn't human, but that's fine, he tells himself, because he isn't, even now, he might look human-shaped but he isn't  _human._

Then, his throat raw, he gasps, and his breathing comes in gulps, as though he had forgotten  _how_ to breathe, and at some point he realises that Rapier has fallen from his fingers.

"I'll... tell Tifa we came across a group of monsters on our way back."

Cloud's voice snaps him out of a reverie -  _for what else than a sombre morrow had he found himself in, this future where they were building from the ashes of his own mistakes? -_ and into the realisation that he was on his knees, and he could still see the faint shimmer and glisten of recently shed tears on the tough material of his old uniform trousers.

 


End file.
